Movie Madness

Halloween is a time of great movies on TV. Christmas is, too. And by great, generally, I mean awful. There’s something about holidays that brings out weird, theme movies.

Christmas does have some great, predictable holiday romantic comedies that I love, but for some reason, there are a lot of movies that sound pretty freaky that are holiday-themed "masterpieces."

Case in point: airing around Halloween was “Sleepwalkers.” The description: Mother-and-son monsters who survive on the blood of young women move to a sleepy town in Indiana.

How did that not win an Oscar??

Some Christmas movies, with their descriptions, that I've been seeing looking for nice Christmas movies on Netflix. Uh, these aren't what I'm looking for. (Note: I am not making up or altering any of these. Seriously.)

• Santa Claws: Under normal conditions, a man in a jolly red suit can be delightful. But when the outfit belongs to a demented psycho who's convinced he's Santa Claus, it's absolutely frightful. Raven Quinn, a sexy B-movie scream queen whose marriage is crumbling, is already dreading the Christmas season. When her creepy next-door neighbor starts dishing out his own brand of holiday cheer, things only go south from there.
• Xmas Massacre/Satan Claus/Psycho Santa: Deck the halls with this seasonal trio of gleefully gory Christmas-themed horror flicks. In The Christmas Season Massacre, a bloodthirsty maniac hunts down the high school classmates who antagonized him. In Satan Claus, a couple teams up with a voodoo priestess to try to stop a murderous Santa impersonator who's terrorizing New York City. And in Psycho Santa, a man tells his wife a series of terrifying tales about a not-so-jolly St. Nick.
• Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: The Martians are irked that their children spend so much time watching TV shows from Earth that sing the praises of Santa Claus, so they decide to make a trek to the planet to capture Mr. Claus. During their mission, they also abduct two children who lead the aliens to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians take all three earthlings back to Mars, where, with the help of a native, they manage to spread Christmas cheer throughout the red planet.
• Black Christmas: A bloodthirsty psychopath breaks free from a mental institution and returns to the house where he killed his family on Christmas Eve many years earlier, which happens to now be a sorority house.
• Christmas Evil: The winter weather isn't the only thing that's frightful about this unconventional holiday offering about a toy maker whose obsession with Christmas spirals dangerously out of control. After enduring a traumatic childhood in which he learned there was no such thing as Santa Claus, Harry Stadling takes it upon himself to judge the "naughty" and the "nice." But instead of spreading cheer, he opts for fear.

A quick google search turned up a few other funny ones--here are just the titles:

• Christmas Evil (aka: You'd Better Watch Out)
• Black Christmas
• Santa's Slay (ed: cover art on that one is HILARIOUS)
• Silent Night, Deadly Night
• Jack Frost (catch line: He's Chillin' and Killin')
• Silent Night, Bloody Night

I have no words. Just...no words.