More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle: Dear Self

Dear Liz:

When you're talking to someone on the phone, and strange/disturbing questions you could ask that person pop into your head, I have a bit of advice for you:

Don't. Just don't. Just say goodnight and then hang up the phone, hoser.

Love,

You, Ten Minutes Later

Funny Quotes...Which May Not Be Funny if You Don't Know Them

Isn't there a statute of limitations on being a jerk?
Let me think...what would Michealangelo do with his sculptures? I think he would leave them unpainted!
Oooo, he's a scary man! He knows bakery words!
My head was screaming "NOOOOOOOO" but my mouth was chewing gum.
I'm high, Mom!
He isn't so ugly when he is upside down and asleep.
We look a little hot. And not in the sexy way.
There's someone out there for you that's just as lame as you are.
Do you want the special occasion floss or the everyday floss?
I'm definitely at least one of the men.
Your memory is like, like, wow.
I tried working once. I didn't like it.
The denim says Friday, but the logo says approved.
Maybe if you'd eat more comfort food, you wouldn't have to go around shooting people.
The nerds are like moths to a flame here.
Irony. Not a fan? Alright...
I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.
You have problems, but they're not my fault.
He puts the guber in gubernatorial.
The only way you could be more important to me is if you had a Kit-Kat bar growing out of your head.
I could sit down with a fork and eat that entire cake. Well, actually, maybe not, but probably with a spoon.
It's because I like you that I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion.
Turns out Barack Obama's not a secret Muslim. He's something much worse: a secret nerd.
Just be yourself. But not too much.
Everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.
If history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford.
You put the Queen on your money. You're British.
So long, 401k!
High five, turtle.
That's awesome...and a little disturbing.
I'm not hiding it. I just don't want anyone to know about it.
Exactly what's been come to pass up in here?
I'm gonna be fine. I'm just gonna sit here, alone...not technically, but emotionally...
Oh, goodness, look at my wrist--I've gotta go!
The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.
You're not an old maid. You're a spinster.
What are you doing?? I'm being awesome!
Mom, only chocolate can make me feel the way I want to feel.
The only thing better than a cow's a human. Unless you need milk--then you really need a cow.
Let me introduce you to my friend, Lithium Ion...
Richie Mitch Moneybags Man
It's amazing how exotic Wisconsin isn't.
In my book, getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes in one sitting represents social splendor. It's one of the perks of being shallow.
When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
I'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret it.
My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt...
I can't date! I'm not genetically set up for it!
His legs flail about as if independent from his body!
Superman - the only figure to become a cultural icon while wearing his underpants on the outside.
No, I'm not sick, just depressed--life going poorly.
I have an enormous sea-shell collection. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
Did you say, "Billy--I love you"?
Oh, no, wait a minute--I have no one.
Football is like chess without the dice.
Be a man--stop caring what happens to other men.
That is juice squeezed from a person!
Just remember: if I'm harsh, it's only because you're doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
Yeah, it's in hell. Go get it.
I am awesome. I am! And I'm not sure why I'm the only one who thinks that.

More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle

24 November 2009

Dear Self

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